Comedy Kings - The unofficial website of Cannon and Ball

Rock on Tommy - Scene Lyrics

The pictures are taken from the back of the record sleeve

House Scene

Rock on Tommy picture

Tommy: Try and forget it

Bobby: What d'ya mean Tommy, it were great, it's our own show. We're stars now, y'know Tommy. You should be happy, I don't know whats wrong wi'you.

T: Whats wrong? Don't you know pal? Can't you see it?

B: Theres nothing wrong Tommy, we were great us Tommy

T: You just cant see it can you, eh. Just look at you

B: What do you mean by that, excuse me?

T: Well, for a start, why do you insist on wearing those ridiculous clothes? Ever since I've known you, I've never seen you in anything that fits.

B: Everybody can't be smooth and suffocated like you can they Tommy?

T: You mean sophisticated not suffocated. You can't even get that right. Just look at the suit. I mean, where did you get it from?

B: Theres nothing wrong with the suit Tommy. It might be on the big side but its the smallest I could get. I can't help being small you know, you can hurt me at times.

T: OK Bob, but surely when you go on TV you could smarten yourself up

B: What d'ya mean

T: Well, get yourself a decent suit. At least where the trousers fitted. Then you wouldn't have to wear those ridiculous braces

B: I like braces me Tommy. You're not with it you Tommy, I'm punk. Anyway, you might not like the braces I wear, but explain this Tommy. What about all them millions of people watch our show, and if there were anything wrong wi' me they wouldn't watch would they Tommy. They'd rather see me standing there than see you looking like JR from that Dallas

T: Well they'd rather see me looking like JR than you looking like Jon Boy from the Waltons. Anyhow, how do you know theres millions of people watch the show. You only think they did.

B: Don't be silly, I know they did.

T: Well how then?

B: Because on the other side's Mastermind and nobody watches Mastermind do they Tommy. Thats for them brainy inflectuals. You must think I'm daft you Tommy.

T: But Bobby, thats a very popular programme. Everybodys not like you

B: What do you mean

T: Just because you can't hardly read and write.

B: Well?

T: And you still read childrens comics. You think that Lorraine Chase is a genius.

B: She is

T: Masterminds watched by millions of ordinary people. In fact, its one of my favourite people.

B: He Hee, you little liar Tommy. You've always fancied yourself havent you. Just because you moved into the C Stream at school. You always thought you were a cut above me didn't you. Anyway, I'll prove to you Tommy how popular we are. Lets me and you go to the pub now for a drink and I'll show you. And you wait and see Tommy, they'll come running to me for my autograph

T: OK then smartie, come on, come on then

(Footsteps and door closes)

Pub Scene

Rock on Tommy picture

Tommy: Now whaddaya want to drink Bobby

Bobby: I think I'll have a Tomato juice Tommy

T: He Hee, thats typical, a Tomato juice. On the rocks?

B: Can't I have it in me glass?

T: Oh shut up and don't be stupid. Erm, pint of bitter please and a tomato juice barman.

B: Tommy, you're right you know. Theres nobody spotted us has there. I thought they would have done you know, Tommy, we're stars now. Perhaps they don't recognise me without my braces.

T: No, dont be daft. I mean, you've got your braces on.

B: I know, but they're under me pullover

T: Well wear your pullover up then

B: I can't

T: Why

B: I didnt put me shirt on tonight.

T: You know what we need? Publicity.

B: I know. I'll tell you what Tommy. I'll get a big sign done if you want, and I'll walk down on Eccles street, walk up and down, with big letters on 'Cannon and Ball, Saturday Nights'

T: No no no, don't be daft, it needs to be nationwide.

B: They'll never put us on there Tommy

T: Not that nationwide. Nationwide.

Alan: Eh up, is that Bobby Ball

B: Hey Tommy, I think I've been recognised. He's coming over Tommy. Give me one of your photographs I'll give it him.

A: Eeh, I thought it were you. Bobby Ball.

B: Yes it is

A: Can you remember me? We were at school together. Eeh, and thats Tom Cannon in't it? What are you doing now?

B: We're a double act now

A: Oh, are you workin' here tonight?

B: Who is it Tommy

A: D'ya remember me?

T: Do I remember you? Do I remember you?

B: Do you remember him?

T: I havent a clue.

A: I'm Alan. You know, Alan Hardacre. I used to go out with your Polly.

B: Polly doodle all the day

T: Shutup. Aw, course I recognise you now. That Alan Hardacre. Phew, I didn't recognise you dressed up like that pal. You're doing well for yourself aren't you? Look at all that smart gear.

B: I like his clothes, me, Tommy

T: Where you going now

A: Oh sorry lads, I've got to dash. I'm off to do a session. I'm making a record.

T: Yeah?

A: I'm in a group, you know. Yeah, records, thats what you want to get into.

T: Thats it!

B: I know thats it Tommy, I'm a failure. Theres nobody recognised us.

T: It doesn't make any difference. We can still make a record, and everybody'll recognise us

B: You mean a proper record. Like Costello?

T: Yeah. Oh eh, I like them two

B: Who

T: Abbot and Costello

B: No, Elvis Costello

T: Oh, you mean that poor mans Buddy Holly

B: Thats him, Tommy. Eh, d'ya know I can see us, me and you Tommy, Top of the Pops Tommy, all these birds round us feet, eh. Hot Gossip, ooh. Pop stars, me and you Tommy. Punk records, blue hair, spitting on people. Great Tommy

T: Forget it, punks out. I'm into ballads. Nice lines, romance

B: You can't spit on people when you're being romantic Tommy

T: Tell you what I'm going to do. I'll sort this out. I'm gonna go and see the manager first thing in the morning.

B: You're right Tommy, I know what you mean by that.

Car Scene

Car horn sounds, car door opens and closes followed by footsteps and knock on door.

Bobby: Eeh, Ello Tommy, what a pleasant surprise

Tommy: Aw, come on will yer, I've been waiting ages for you out here you know

B: What for?

T: Well we're gonna do our record

B: I'd forgot all about that. Ang on while I get my coat.

T: Right, come on then

B: 'Ang on Tommy, won't be a minute. Right, come on then

Footsteps

B: I forgot all about that

T: No wonder, still in bed

B: Sorry Tommy, I forgot all about it. I fell in this puddle now

T: Aw, get up you drip

B: I'm wet through, Tommy

T: Serves you right. Come on, just get in the car, we've got an appointment to keep you know

Car doors close

B: I can't wait Tommy. Are we doin' a punk record?

T: Yes we are. We're doing punk, disco, country and western and ballads. We're doing all four.

B: Are we?

T: Now I'm warning you before we get there. Dont mess it up for me

B: What do you mean?

T: Well this is my big chance.

B: OK Tommy. Slow down a bit will you, slow down.

T: Slow down? I haven't even started yet.

B: I get worried when you're driving.

Car engine starts and drives away

B: Slow down a bit Tommy

Police Scene

Rock on Tommy picture

Bobby: Me bottles gone

Tommy: Oh, dont worry Bobby, I'm very confident

B: You've always been confident haven't you Tommy. Eh, you're not frightened of anything you Tommy.

T: Frightened of nothing, me

B: Do the police frighten you Tommy?

T: No

B: Thats good because there's one right behind you now.

T: Eh, well don't worry about it Bobby, don't worry about it. They can't touch us. I'm only doing thirty.

Siren sounds

B: Are you. Mm mm mm mm. Someones in trouble Tommy

T: Yeah, its us Bobby

B: No, its you Tommy, You're driving. Now pull over, pull over

T: I'm not wearing one

B: No Tommy, stop. Stop

T: Now look, whatever you do keep your mouth shut. Let me handle it.

B: Ok Tommy

Car door closes

B: You can't touch him you know, he were only doing thirty.

Policeman: I know Sir, up a one way street.

B: He were only going one way weren't he copper

T: I'm telling yer, please, keep quiet

P: Is this your car Sir?

B: No he's borrowed it off Nicky Lauder

P: Lauder?

B: I said he's borrowed it off Nicky Lauder

T: Bobby, please

P: Regular little comedian i'nt he

B: I think he's recognised me Tommy

T: Ignore him sergeant

P: I'm a constable

T: Well I've just promoted you

P: Can I see your license and insurance

T: Course you can, here they are

P: Whats this 20p doing in here

B: Phew, you certainly know how to bribe 'em Tommy

P: I wish to remind you, if you wish to make a statement, anything you may say may be taken down and used against you in evidence. Goodnight sir

T and B: Goodnight Chief Constable

T: Well, he's booked me

B: He's done something worse than that Tommy

T: What?

B: He's not given you your 20p back

T: Aw, forget it

B: When your head gets to a point get it loused

T: Please

B: Eh

T: Shut up Bobby, he might hear us

B: He won't Tommy, I've wound the windows up. He frightens you

T: I'm not frightened of him at all

B: You are

T: I'm not. I've seen escape from Alcatraz four times.

Driving sound

T: Well, we're here Bobby. Come on

B: This is it Tommy, big time. We can do it. Come on Tommy, I'm ready for spitting

Studio Reception

Rock on Tommy picture

Bobby: Rock on Tommy. Hey look. How are you Blondie

Receptionist: Hi. May I help you?

Tommy: Yes, we're Cannon and Ball.

R: Cannon and Bell.

B: No, no Bell. Not Cannon and Bell. Ball. Cannon and Ball, We've come to make a record.

R: Cannon and Ball.

Paper Shuffling

R: Drury, Blockheads. Are you with the Tourists?

B: No, we live here don't we Tommy

T: Course we do

R: Ah. Are you with the Police?

B: No, we're with the Woolwich.

T: Please Bobby, please. Don't mention the police any more, I've just had a ticket havent I?

T: No, you don't seem to understand, you see, we're entertainers. We're Cannon and Ball, do'ya know what I mean? Shake a leg, braces, hand in your pocket...

B: Rock on Tommy...

T: You know.

R: Oh, Cannon and Ball

T: Right, we've come to make an album.

R: Oh, thats right, Its Julia you've come to see

B: No, you're a bit mixed up. I think you've been taking something. we've come to see a fella.

R: Thats right, his names Julian

B: Thats it Tommy, I've had enough of this place already

Julian: Hello boys, hello. Oh, what a busy day its been. Now follow me, we're in studio four. Come on guys

Studio Scene

Rock on Tommy picture

B: This is it, Tommy, we're here. This is it, big time.

T: Look at all them instruments.

B: Its great, innit. Hey, watch we're your putting that guitar, pal, will you.

T: Look at that trumpet

B: What crumpet?

T: No, not crumpet, trumpet.

B: Oh, trumpet. Eh, that Julians gone behind that box Tommy

T: Dont you realise I think we're gonna do well here.

B: How do ya mean?

T: Well, I think he likes you

B: How can you tell that?

T: He's blowing you kisses

B: Is he? Is he a poofter him Tommy?

T: Well how do I know. I've never met a puff have I.

B: OK Tommy, What do we...what's he pointing at?

T: You what? He wants us to stand behind the microphones

B: Behind the microphones. Behind the microphones

T: Stand behind the microphones.

B: I cant tell a word he says me

T: Well wait a minute, no wonder with all these musicians tuning up

B: Hang on a minute, can you hand on, please please, just a minute please

B: What do ya say?

T: Behind the microphones. Behind the...

B: Right right

T: Right. Stand behind...

J: Standby, Olivers Army, take 1

(Olivers Army introduction)

B: Tommy, I've got to spit on this song because its punk.

T: Just behave will you

B: Alright Tommy, dont get upset

Coughs

T: Hold it fellas, hold it fellas, sorry, sorry, hold it fellas

B: Do you know, I've been up all night with this cough

T: Listen you, why didn't you sing?

B: Because I can't hear the band

T: Thats because you haven't got your headphones on

B: I'll put 'em on now.

T: Alright. Don't you realise this is your big chance.

B: You what?

T: This is your big chance

B: You what? I can't hear a thing with these on.

T: Well pull em off

B: you told me to put em on

T: Bobby, get serious right. The producers watching us, you've got a reputation to make here

B: How d'ya mean

T: Well I've convinced the producer that you're one to pull

B: Alright Julian

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